Womanhood story

by , on
máj 15, 2012

The most powerful solution to feed the pain body for a whole life… The method that can create enough suffering for every second…

… I spent my ‘life’ with trying to be good enough…

My suffering-need worked and I radiated it from myself. I didn’t have self confidence, I didn’t have a healthy self esteem. I didn’t now myself, I didn’t know anything about relationships, I didn’t have father to teach me, I didn’t have mother to show me something about a woman’s life, about the beauty of a partnership, about love, about sexuality… I could not do anything just searhing for love… chasing for a place where I can be loved, cherished, cared about… In this chase I was at a lot of deifferent places…And sooner or later it always had to  get visible: it is a lie.

I didn’t do anything special, just like my conditioned behaviour modell. I radiated the smell… the inner programming moved my self, created all the circumstances and I felt myself as a victim in all the stories. I attracted boys who were not able to give anything… and on my side I wasn’t abe to receive anything. And I started to believe in: this is life… There is no joy, there is no plesure, there is nothing to enjoy, there’s no gentle touch, there’s no real true connection… there was silence, crying within, pain, lonelyness, pressure, and a feeling: What’s wrong with me?

The power of attraction worked… I was getting full of pain and suffering, and I attracted more man to complete my suffering-need. Because of I didn’t feel myself being somebody they didn’t treated me as a value. I was not able to talk about my needs or wants, about my wishes. I was programmed for silence and for compromise. I had programs for: Let that comes, and if it’s bad, be quiet and wait for the moment when it will end. I attracted people to hurt me, so they hurt me. I know… I was the reason for all of it. I take my responsibility. I was the creator even it was unconscious. I was searching for love… and I searched for that at a lot of places… and of course I found only emptiness and more lonelyness and more pain… I see my story… and I feel the consequences within: borders, blockages, lack of faith, emptiness. I lost trust. I lost hope. I spent so many years with searching for something I carried within. Love, like I can love. With full of awareness, with full of care, with full of silkyness, gentle and soft… and like a dance… start it slowly, softly, lovely.  Expanded space with the full being, with full beingness… and it flows, and and the rhythm is changing, and it flows, getting to flow and find the swing…. I felt it in myself all the time… but I didn’t  experienced it in the material world in this life… I was full of pain from my ‘love life’ allready when I was 23. I felt the real beuty within in my visions tha I carra since I was a little chid, but I didn’t find it in my real life. I always felt something in me… it was the ray of awareness… in this space within I coud feel the beauty of relationships, love and being together, I felt connection… and in the same time I wasn’t able to let this feeling to arrive in my human life because of the programming of my mind. I felt the One, I felt the opportunity of joy but I never experienced it in this life as a human. I felt, I carried it, but I didn’t know how to reach it….

I didn’t have any examples around me either… in the physical world… I saw everywhere empty partnerships, where everything’s on the surface, and then nothing in it. A huge lie… theather… Everybody did it… I did it. I was hurt and I smiled. I had no experiences of a valuable partnership. Sometimes I was there as a doll. I was nice, I dressed myself attractive, perfectly wear a make up and my hair. I was the cool girl in a cool dress. But inside I was nothing, I felt myself nothing. I didn’t love myself. I wasn not enough… not for anybody… obviously because I was not good enough for myself. I couldn’t love my body. This was always a good piece for my suffering-need. I am not a woman – heard from my head. I have nothing to show, that I’m a woman. I felt I was too thin, not enough to be someone, to find somebody who really can love me, who want to cherish me, who want to see me happy. I was not enough to ask for something, not enough to say out loud my feelings…and not enough to say no…

… and then something turned in a different direction in me and I escaped into making money… I became a robot to make money and escaped into verifying that I am somethig… In a couple of years I became a man without even recognizing it. I lost softness, silkiness from indside and outside as well. I fall into the material world. I was there in my life as a man in a woman body. And it felt terrible inside… but I was not aware of why. I was searching for softness, and the gentle world I felt inside before… but I became the blockage itself, that didn’t allow anything like this into my life. 

And than something arrived. The moment has come. And all of it became clear. And I decided: That’s enough. I realized that if I want to have that kind of relationship that I carry in my heart, I have to become that woman who is able be in a connection like that. I recognized that I’ve never been a woman until now… but I want to learn how to do it…

Ii is clear for me first I have to clean myself I need to release all the mud I carry in my space. I recognized the operation of the pain body and how the law of attraction has fulfilled it. I knew I have a lot to do before the Man can come. The Man whom I am able to bow my head to… as   I feel in me. I have to release the pain from the warehouses, to stop the automatic reactions of my body. I have to talk to my mind to replace these stories with an empty space, and I have to practise maintaining of my openess… Release fear, and build trust again.

I can feel all of this, and consciously working on it, but somehow my body cannot change. The pain of the hurt experiences are still everywhere in my body. I started the releas in many ways. Phisycal cleaning cures after each other, yoga kryjas, and the mental work of course. Slowly the process started to roll. My womb knows everything and it remembers… remember all the painful moments… and my heart remembers also… I can feel the energy of those moments…. So they are still here… I can feel myself cheated, and disappointed… and be misunderstood. I can feel the lie in me. Still a lot to do. But I feel I’m on the right path. There’s nothing else just go ahead.… I feel the responsibility and I feel the power. I was the reason…I created…  It depends on me… and I am workig on it …to be beloved by myself, and able to allow others to love me… I practice to be loved by myself, and to love human life. I practice to love material,  to love my beingness in this form, to love my body, to love to be in my body, to let my human being to live, to feel…

… so the sunrise of a new spring can come to me…

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